My boyfriend sent me a text today, that said:
Is it enough that we love each other?
The question made me stop. I instantly replied “Yes, it is”, but it made me think. Is it really?
We have been in a long distance relationship for almost 5 years now. Most of the time it has been good. We have made it work, that’s what I have told to everyone who asks isn’t it hard.
“We’ve made it work.” What does that mean? To me it means, that we feel safe, good, have our routines – like in any other relationships. We have certain times when we Skype, and the times are the same from week to another. 8 hours time difference makes that schedule a little hard, but both of us compromise. Sometimes I have to wake up at 5:30, sometimes he stays up till 4. We have our candle-light-Skype-dates, sometimes dinner dates. We play online chess, or quiz games on phone. What’s app has made texting cheap. Before that I had to pay 9 cents for each text.
We know what happens to each other’s daily life, and if we want to cancel a Skype date and hang out with our friends, that’s not the end of the world. Jealousy is the poison of any relationship, but especially when you are doing the long distance. So we have done our best to avoid that.
It’s not always easy, and fights happen. That’s when we try to remember the old wisdom about never going to sleep while still fighting. Of course the fights can stretch into three-day’s silence, but afterwards both feel dumb and regretful.
We have always loved each other more than anything. We have never questioned this relationship. It’s like, there isn’t any other choice. I have kept my eyes open, but for 5 years I haven’t met anything I would rather be with. It sounds silly, but I have always known I will marry him. Maybe not in the first day, maybe not after the first week, but after I had known him for a month, I knew I could never be happy without him. So commitment has never been hard for me. I get lonely, I get sad, but knowing that I am not alone, and that I have been lucky enough to meet my soul mate so young, always makes me feel warm and safe.
Still, the last months have been hard for us. Small, stupid fights won’t leave us, we have less and less time to talk, and it feels like we are more unhappy than we are happy. That’s why he asked the question.
Is it enough that we love each other? Is love all we need? Someone has said, that a good relationship requires three things. 1) Love, 2) Friendship, 3) Passion. I’d like to think we have all of that. We have more love than I can imagine. We might not be able to embrace the physical passion, but I don’t think we have ever had problems showing the emotional passion. Doesn’t our long fight against the distance and other obstacles prove the amount of passion we have? So friendship. Is that the problem? Do we fight so much because we aren’t good friends with each other?
We are different. To me, being a soul mate doesn’t mean being the same person. We share same thoughts, we understand each other the way no one else has ever understood – but we are very different. We don’t like the same music, or all the same movies or books. We don’t share too many hobbies besides writing. We have grown up in a very different kind of environments. Me in a liberal, big city, he in a very conservative small town.
I just can’t believe those things matter. Any of that. Good friendship is more than sharing same interests. It’s about having fun together, being there for the other, always counting on each other, never having to feel dumb or scared.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry – Erich Segal Love Story (1970)
I say I am sorry. I say it often, and I mean it always. I have lots of temper. I get mad, I say awful things, and then I calm down, cry, and apologize. I known I have to learn to be kinder. More respectful. I need to work on my anger, if I want to keep my man.
After all, I love him so much. It is enough. It is enough for me. We can always become better friends if that’s the problem. We can get new hobbies together, we can count to 10 before starting a fight and hopefully never have a fight – everything can be fixed. Expect love. If there isn’t love, it won’t just magically appear. Or maybe it will, I am no expert. But we have love. I do. And I am certain he loves me just as much as always.
As I am writing, I see things clearer. It’s not that something is wrong in the very base of our relationship. We have the trinity – love, friendship, passion. It is the small, stupid every day problems that make us feel bad, and makes us forget that everything is really fine. That we are stronger than we every thought we could be, we love each other more than we ever dreamed of, and we have been through so much.
I am not giving up.